Worry Not...

I know that I really shouldn't worry. Trust me, I know that. So here is my running list of all of the things that are worrying me, so that maybe I can put them to rest for a while.

I'm worried about my future. How am I ever going to earn enough money to make rent, bills, AND start paying off those student loans? It scares me that I still don't know what I'm doing after school. I feel a little like a failure because all I want to do is finish school, but I have no plans when I step off that stage after graduation. It feels irresponsible to not have any idea of where I'm going. I'm 22, going on 23...surely I should have some idea by now, right? I mean I have ideas, but what if they don't work out? What if I choose one and I should have followed the other path? There are so many uncertainties and for someone who likes to have things planned out, this is incredibly tough.

I'm also worried about myself a little bit. I've been through Hell and back in the last three years; there was a time when there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that for now, I've come out on the other side, but I know there will be more hard times down the road. I forgot what happiness was for a while, and when I found it again, it took me some time to allow myself to be happy. I'm worried that I'm going to forget how to be happy again, or that I'm going to leave my happiness behind. That was a huge worry for me when leaving Orlando, but that one has worked out okay so far. I know that I am strong, brave, and resolute....but I feel apprehensive as well.

I'm worried about the motive behind my choices. I do want to return to Disney, but is that for the company or is it for the people? And if it's for the people, is that a good enough reason to go back? Is it childish to want to return to Disney, something that I should just let go and allow it to be part of my past? I knew that my time in Florida would be important for me, I never expected to be leaving people that I loved. My heart has never hurt so much knowing that I may not see some of those people again, or that if I do, I will most likely be some time.

I'm worried about the guy. I never expected to find anything like this when I went down to Disney. To be honest it wasn't really on my radar, I was too focused on enjoying the new experience. Then it just happened. My heart hurts, and I'm connected across 1200 miles to a person who I care about greatly. The distance scares me because even though we decided not to be together in any official sense, we talk every day and we share those moments. Lord knows that I understand what all can change in a year's time, so I'm worried for how I will feel a year, 6 months, 2 weeks from now. I know the guy will always be there for me, absolutely right there, but I am worried that I'm not going to be the person he thinks I am. That I'm going to be selfish and hurtful, that I'm going to make things worse for someone that I love.

I received good advice from Mrs. Beridon last night. She told me to journal over the next few months, to keep track of my feelings, goals, opportunities, and outlooks so that when it comes down to 6 months or a year from today, I can go back and see the train of thought. So that when I step off that stage in May and head into an internship, I know what my next step will be.

Make a plan and then let the plan worry. I'm going to try to be better about writing, either here or in a real journal. I go through waves, but I think this is a time where I need to be diligent.

Happiness

I know that I am impulsive, and I know that sometimes I am not happy with the choice I've made after the fact. I don't always sit down and think through every single avenue and option, and I just do what makes me feel better in the moment and dealing with the rest later on. Last night I had a moment where I made an impulse decision. I was angry and somewhat embarassed, so I permanently deleted a post that had only been up for a few hours that tracked my train of thought through the move back from Orlando. I deleted it because I didn't want someone to see it. I wanted it to seem more put together and less childish and wandering, as many of my posts seem to do.

But here's the thing: this space is mine. Once in a while another person comes along and reads one or two things, but for the most part this is a place for my thoughts and my inner dialogue. Why should I be embarassed of my thought process? Why should I ever be ashamed of my own voice? The answer is that I should not. If I'm going to write, I'm going to write for ME. Not to impress anyone, not so that I don't shake my head at myself five years from now when I'm rereading something. I'm going to write for myself, in the moment, whatever feels cathartic and good and helpful.

It's too bad that I had to permanently erase a piece of me to figure out this obvious little lesson, because I do feel bad about my decision now, but I think I also understand a little better why the writing is so important to me. It's my heart on the line, my emotions laid bare, but it's for ME. Its my way of coping and organizing the mess inside my head into a coherent train of thought. It's the best way I know how to look at a moment and work through the in's and out's. I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to attempt to recreate the lost post or not, but I know that I won't ever again erase something because I'm afraid of how it makes me appear. This is my voice and I'm going to use it.

Check-in Day!

If I could choose, I probably would have made this morning run a little bit smoother, but all in all, I'm still here.

Last night I stayed at the Pop Century resort and I'm pretty certain that the young woman who checked me in sent me on a wild goose chase. I walked for probably half of a mile with my two carry-on's weighing heavily on my shoulders (no really, I have the bruises to prove it) around the entire complex before I reached building 9. I thought I was on the other side of the world from everything. This morning however, it took me all of 3 minutes to get back to the central lobby. Easiest route my ass. Anyway, once checked in I pretty much crashed, but I did not sleep well. I was expecting my bags to be delivered all night(which they were not), so I woke about once every couple hours worried that I would miss the knock at the door. Then this morning comes around and I have next to no luggage to shower or dress with. This also meant no deodorant and no toothbrush for the better part of my day, what a first impression right?

After finally collecting my baggage I was mistakenly delivered to the back parking lot where I impatiently awaited a bus that was supposed to take me where I needed to be for check-in. At this point I was running behind due to a misread of my schedule, but luckily for me, some rules were bent and the bus delivered me to my stop (but not before I sat among Disney Cast Members with my bags stuffed to the brim on what was clearly not my appropriate mode of transportation).

Once I arrived at Vista Way Pavilion, I had to carry all six of my bags for roughly another half mile or so to the Welcome Center. At this point I was flustered, half an hour late, and very tired. It took me several stops and many deep breaths so that I didn't completely meltdown at 9am. I was finally able to dump that God-forsaken luggage and proceed to check-in where I received my job placement (Parking Ops at Magic Kingdom), my housing ID (don't ask), and my new apartment (Vista Way). Following check-in, I went to Casting where I was finger printed and briefed on training, and then we were on our own.

I took the opportunity to move in to my new room and rest a little before completing my drug and alcohol testing. I met my roommate and was able to unpack most of my belongings and as I write, I am sitting on a bench awaiting my bus to Walmart because this girl needs food.

This day certainly had its downs, but it has had its ups as well! I have arrived safely and am fairly optimistic. Tomorrow is a new day to explore and settle in. I have a housing welcome session and on Saturday I get to participate in Traditions and become an official cast member (with a nametag and everything)! For now, I'm off to get some Doritos and a nice mug for tea :)

Effie Does Disney

At 1:35 p.m. today, my flight left from the Des Moines International Airport headed for Charlotte, NC. Once there, I will be a hop, skip, and a jump to Orlando where I will be spending my next 6 months working for Disney World.

I have never been more than 40 miles from home for any long periods of time, and I have never gone solo on a such a huge adventure (I do think that Noah would have been impressed with me). I am both excited and terrified to embark on this journey, but I know that I am gong to have the time of my life.

I know that 10 years from now I'll look back on this time and remember working for the "Happiest Place on Earth." I'll remember the feeling in my stomach when that first plane took off and how giddy I was to actually be landing in Orlando, and probably even how sad I'll be when I have to leave. I'll tell my friends and kids and anyone who will listen the same story 20 times because this is going to shape me. I haven't even hardly completed the first leg of my journey but I already know this is going to be big.

Sitting here now in seat 13A I can still hardly believe this is happening to me! After all that I have been through in the last few years, this feels like a break in the clouds, and I am so excited to take advantage of this opportunity. I was talking to someone the other day and I told them that I don't ever want to find myself sitting inside on the couch watching TV on a day off, and I truly mean that. I want to DO while I am here, I want to make the absolute most of my time- even if that means visiting the Magic Kingdom every single day to occupy myself. I want these six months to be a chance for me to overcome and enjoy myself, to love who I am, and to make some changes for the better (I'll be damned if I don't come back with a kickin' beach bod)!

The last two weeks were very difficult for me. I was having a hard time processing that I would actually be leaving my friends and family, and I didn't really know how to calm my fears. However, in the last 14 days my friends have showed so much love towards me and I feel so overwhelmed because of it. It's easy to start to feel alone when you're going through transitions or rough times, but I know as I leave Iowa I am not saying goodbye to a single person, only "see you later," and because of my little army, I know I will be okay.

So watch out Orlando, and here I come Mickey, because Effie is about to kick some Disney ass! :)

Far From Home

(This post was original made around October of 2014. Somehow it was republished here. Hello, flashbacks.)

I feel trapped here some days. Here as in at school, but here as in my life too.

I get to the point where I just need an escape. I need to do anything except work, go to class, and see the same faces. I feel far from home here on some days. Today is one of those days. I feel depressed and lost. Like I don't have an outlet. I think I need to find new ways to plug in here. I'm considering starting a bible study with any willing girls in Lowe. Something laid back and outside of Salt so that I can spread the gospel to these ladies that I love.

Some days I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and disappear, and I think today I'm feeling that way because of last night, and because of a dream I had very recently.

First, the dream. It was about the house on Holcomb, and while I don't remember much of it now, I do still remember getting to be there again. The only thing I really have left that reminds me of the flood is this little alligator toy I have pictured below. Basically, when you open his jaws, the little teeth pop up. You take turns pushing one down at a time until one of them snaps the mouth shut. Its always been a source of entertainment for me and friends even now.

 

I was playing with my alligator toy the other day when I realized that it still had flood crud on it. The toy has survived my childhood, many car shows and vacations, and even a flood and still it keeps chugging. Upon thinking of the flood I was reminded of the house, and again I was struck with the feeling of loss and emptiness.

Since the flood I have had a very specific and clear picture in my head of the way the house used to look as if you were standing in the foyer looking into the dining room/kitchen. Its always been about noon, and on a late spring or summer day. The sun is shining through the windows and the room is comfortably warm. The pale yellow walls of the dining room and the pale wood of the furniture are glowing in the light, adding to the feeling of comfort. Looking to the left, the blue kitchen walls and white cabinetry is inviting, and the linoleum flooring is cool beneath your feet. Straight out the back door in the kitchen in the patio and garden, and the windows must be open because a breeze is coming in and it smells of flowers.

My words don't do this memory justice, but this place is the closest I have to a happy place. My mind bounces back to that perfect, quiet, sunny day in my childhood home and I feel safe and comforted. It absolutely sucks that that place is gone forever, I'm not going to act like it doesn't still bother me some days. And I wish I had a place that comforting to go to that was tangible.

This post has been random and rambling, and I know I'm going to revisit the house when I have more time. I want to make sure I get down the details before they slip away permanently. For now, we'll just say that I feel pretty out of it today, but I'm going to put on that smile and get through the day and hope for a better tomorrow.

To The Man Who Changed Me

Seems like everyone writes one of those letters to the boy who broke their heart or the boy who cheated or the boy who wasn't enough. Well this is my stab at it. This is my open letter to the man who changed me with fire from the inside out.

Dear Man,

You were light. You were joy. You were my everything (mistake number one). Your smile was special for me, your laugh made me feel giddy. Your touch sent electricity through my skin and when you said those three words I felt peace and comfort. You changed me from the very start. You were different and I was just crazy enough to try to keep up. I felt brand new with you, I felt fresh and simple. And oh how I felt beautiful. You did love me better than I could have asked for. For a time.

After a while, I was not myself any longer. I tried so hard to be the person you wanted me to be. I tried every day to be enough, to fill that space in your heart. And I actually think I succeeded for a little while. I think for a small period of time, you let me in and you let your guard down and we worked. But then you expected too much. You expected me to meet the criteria of this invisible list, you wanted me to be more than I was, and there's no way I could ever measure up. You compared me to this checklist day in and day out and eventually I wasn't the girl you loved before- full of life and ideas and hope and love. I was the shell of a person who had emptied their soul to try to fill yours.

I played a part in this too. I allowed you to make me feel as though I was not enough. I looked at you and thought to myself, "Oh he just wants the best for me. He's just pushing me to be the best. He's making me better." But these things weren't true. Had they been true you wouldn't have tired of encouraging me, or spurring me on, or just being there to comfort me. You didn't love me at that time, and I didn't see that. I allowed myself to be blinded by your promises, but as alluring as they were they held no water. Maybe you meant them at one time, but you didn't have the backbone to carry them through. You weren't ready for this relationship.

I gave my heart to you in ways I didn't know were possible. I loved you fully and completely. I'll probably always love you a little, because that's how first loves work right? I gave you a piece of my heart and then some. You took moments from me, you took songs, and places, and people and activities. Everywhere I look I see you and I see us. I see memories made and fun had. I made a mistake in this. I thought that you would hold my heart with gentle hands, that you would guard it and keep it safe. I didn't see that you would put yourself first, that you would consider your own outcomes before my own. I made this mistake and you can be sure I won't make it again.

I recently read about soulmates and how the word does not necessarily mean what we think it means. Some of it seemed a little cheesy to me, but something stuck out- a soulmate will enter your life, connect with you on deeper levels than you thought possible, then break you open so you can see new things in yourself and leave you to rebuild. I thought you were my forever, I thought I could trust you. I think we both were on that same page for a period of time, but it changed as things always do and I watched it slip away. You broke me open, you burned me and changed me from within. And I can see a new and shiny me just below the surface, one that will be forged with fire. It's going to take some hard work, a little muscle, and some pain but I'm going to come out of this stronger and wiser. I'm going to emerge a better version of myself. For that I can thank you, because without the lessons you taught me I would not have the tools necessary to make myself better.

I'm writing as a cathartic experience for myself, but I think in this I can forgive you too. You hurt me, you devastated me. You took several pieces of me that I cannot get back. You lied to me and you moved on from what we had faster than I thought you would. It only took two months, and now I realize you are in fact not the man I once knew. You are not the man that I want to spend my life with. You are not the man I once trusted and loved. But you did make me feel confident in myself, you did bring out a passion in me that desires to push through hard tasks, you did make me more curious, and you did make me want to be a better person and friend.

So I forgive you for breaking me down, because through the smoke and ashes and rubble I'm going to rebuild and be the best version of me yet.

Always,
Me

I Have To Be

I have to be stronger.
I have to be happier.
I have to be more forgiving.
I have to be exciting.
I have to be loving.

I have to be better.

I can't stand the person I become when I'm depressed. I can't look at myself in the mirror because I hate the look in my eyes.

I'm weak, I'm sad, I'm empty when all I want to be is bright eyed and cheerful. I want to leap into his arms, I want to run around the block, I want to accomplish great things and go on great adventures.

I have to be better than this, I can't let this become more than me. I have to pry myself out of this slump and live. Because I hear the whine in my voice and the struggle in his. I can't lose him because I became too involved and too dependant on this feeling of loneliness. It may be easier, it may take less fight and less energy, but I will not become the one who sank. I will not let this consume me. And I will not lose him because I lost myself.

When I look ahead I see bright days. I see rebirth and regrowth. I see joy. I see myself driving down endless highways with the wind in my hair. I see trudging through woods and creeks just to get a little muddy. I see rolling on beaches and jumping in water to enjoy the day that was given to me. I see myself being carefree and alive, not wasting away in a bed or a dark apartment waiting for the sun to set at the end of another day.

I'm tired; exhausted even. But I have to be better. I have to be stronger. I refuse to go down, to let the panic and anxiety and depression get such a hold on my heart that it's all I live in. I will not live in this place my whole life. I will have bad days, but the good have to outweigh them.

This is a fight, a battle. A war within my mind that has to be waged every single day. This is my pep talk to myself, because I'm sick of avoiding my reflection. I want to see myself stand tall, be proud of who I am. I want to take new steps, I want to try new things, I want to see my world for all that it is.

I know that if I sink, if I let this consume me, I'll lose him. I'll lose him and friends and family. I'll lose myself. Because who wants to tell the girl 1000 times over the same thing every day. It's not their work. It's mine. My work is to love myself and let that love be so strong that it pours out onto others. Their work is to do the same for themselves so that when we meet we can love one another so thoroughly that there is no room for error.

I must first love myself so that I may love others. I must rely on me, pick myself up, carry my own weights before I can expect others to help. I have to be better.

These last two years have been hard. Some of the hardest things I'll ever face probably have happened. But I made it through, though not quite unscathed. But the scars and the wear, it makes me stronger and it makes me who I am. I would not have the worldviews or the experience if I had not been through these things. And for that, I have to keep going. I have to push on and be the person I was made to be. I can't sit and let these things destroy me. And I won't. Hard times will come. Bad days will follow. But the good has to outweigh it.

Noah. I will be stronger. I will be here in the present and not focused on the past. I will be forgiving and loving and adventurous and excited. I will be the person I know I am and the person you want to be with. I'm not changing for you, I'm changing for me, because I have to. I have to be better.