My Year In Review

Okay friends, prepare for a long post. I've got a lot on my mind and I want to make sure it all gets down today before it slips away.

First of all, I want to take a moment to recognize that I posted something- whether small or profound- every month last year except for in October. 11/12 months is a major win for me. This blog is actually becoming what I intended for it to be- a place to explore and document my life. How big of a blessing is that?

Also, since it doesn't seem to fit well anywhere else I want to mention the friends that I saw get married this year: Abigail and Brandon and Alyssa and David. Both weddings were equally beautiful and special. At each one I can recall a moment where I looked at the bride and saw how beautiful she was, how she was the center of attention- just as she should be. I saw loving glances pass between the couples and I saw lives expand before me. To all of you: you each mean so much to me. You have been instrumental in my growth and my faith and your happiness together brings me joy. I cannot wait to see the great things your marriages will accomplish through God.

So much happened in 2014 that I'm not sure one post would do any of it justice, but I want this to be a "putting to bed" of sorts for the negative, and a rebirthing for the positive. What happened has happened already and good or bad- it cannot be altered, reversed, or relived. In 2015 I want to learn to live in the current moments and appreciate them as they come. I learned a lot about myself in 2014, but sitting here just on the edge of this new year, I feel a bubbling inside of me. An untapped source of love for myself and others is waiting to be released, a spout that is just begging to be opened. So let's review, and then let's look forward to all of the beautiful days ahead.

Last January I was living in Friley and I was about to start my first semester as an Animal Ecology major. I thought I had finally figured it out. I was entirely ready to work my ass off and get through the course work. I knew that it wouldn't come easy to me but I felt passionate about something for the first time in so long that all I wanted to do was try my best. Through February of 2014 I continued in my school work. I struggled against the current, I failed tests, I missed homework assignments, and I became increasingly depressed. I continued to turn to boys for attention and alcohol for comfort. I struggled with my faith and what any of it meant. Finally, when getting out of bed every morning became an accomplishment and I would find myself dragging through each day with just enough energy left over to fall into bed, I sought help. I reached out to the counseling services on campus in the last week of February. While the course work didn't get easier, the depression and sense of being lost did. Through the first week of May I saw a counselor once a week and I faced my depression head on. I came to terms with it, as well as how far I had walked from God. I wrestled with myself, but despite the end of the semester not being what I had wished for, I ended on a higher personal note. I moved home in the second week of May and away from the toxicity I had met there. Don't get me wrong- I have plenty of great memories from my time in Friley, but more often than not I would end my nights feeling unfulfilled and disappointed in myself. It was a time of discovery, something that I will not regret. Also in January, I started my job at HyVee, and in May I transferred down to a store in Des Moines for the summer.

The summer was supposed to be a respite. I wanted so badly to find myself back on track- to go back to Grace and find my family, to seek God with fervor, to feel refreshed and encouraged. Before the end of the school year I had changed back to Child, Adult, and Family Services and I wanted to get my head in the right place for that change. May passed, and so did June. In July, a shift occurred that rocked my family to its core: my mother had cheated on my father. Never in 1,000 years would I have guessed this would happen, and I didn't know what to do with any of the information I was given. It all came down so quickly, and the progress I felt I had been making with my depression seemed to dissolve before me. Every day was a challenge to get through.

At the end of July, I left with a crew of 12 others to work on RAGBRAI. That week was probably the highlight of my summer. The constant work left no room to think about what was going on at home, and it acted as a vacation. Going home from that week was so unbelievably hard, made harder by the fact that I learned that my mother had moved out while I was away. The days that followed were empty and strange, I didn't know how to act or behave in my own house. At some point, I moved a large portion of my things up to my new apartment in Ames, an adventure in itself to be sure. The Iowa State Fair came as a relief and working 8-4 became the best part of my days. Going home was a dark cloud, something I desperately wanted to avoid. During this window of a few weeks I had a couple of flings. One with a boy who gave me my first kiss, and one with a boy who I told everything to. While they both gave me some kind of distraction, I knew in my heart that neither were going to work out. Not only was the chemistry not there, but my heart was in no place to commit; I could barely care for myself. When the fair ended, I only had a couple days until I moved up to Ames for the new school year and I absolutely could not wait to be gone.

With the start of the Fall semester came a rekindled sense of excitement. I'm not sure what extinguished the flame, but not two weeks into school and I was already struggling to get to class and complete classwork. I started seeing a counselor right away, but for some reason, it just didn't seem to be clicking into place as it had before. The only upside it seemed was that being away from home was doing exactly what I had hoped- I wasn't thinking about my parents and it wasn't keeping be down. September came and it seemed like a light was finally at the end of the tunnel; I couldn't quite figure out what had made it appear, but something was just out of reach. I was in a better place personally, it was just school that held no real interest for me. I began to explore my options seriously and discovered that withdrawal from the university was a completely viable option.

It was around this time that my life changed and I met the man that I now get to call my boyfriend. September 23rd (yeah, I know the date) I sat next to a guy on the bus and he made fun of me for having a sandwich from Jeff's Pizza. A week later we had our first date, and four weeks after that we were "Facebook official"- not that that defined the relationship. We both knew before that Sunday that we were in it together. Three weeks ago I met his parents and stayed with him in Minnesota for a weekend, and two days ago I helped move him down to Missouri for six months for an amazing co-op.
Noah, I couldn't be more happy and blessed to have you in my life. Every single day with you has been better than the last. I cannot quite comprehend how a chance encounter has led to so many amazing things, and I'm not sure I ever will. What I do know is that I love you with all of my heart. You give me joy and you lift me up. You deal with my crazy and you are probably just as weird as I am. I've mentioned it before, but I sincerely believe that you were the final push I needed to get out of the tunnel I was in. You have taught me so much- how to build a positive foundation, how to love myself, how to be open-minded, and how to explore. I know I have a lot of work to do before I'm great at some of those things- old habits die hard, you know- but I know that you will be there to encourage me every step of the way. Those promises I made you I intend to keep- all day, every day.

In mid-October I officially withdrew from the university and started to work exclusively at HyVee. I was trained in a new department (customer service) and even received a raise. I continued to date Noah and everything honestly seemed to have fallen into place. It was as if a literal weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The depression receded and I became happy- genuinely completely happy. It had been so long that I actually didn't know what to do with the emotion. For the first time in so long, when people would ask how I was, I would answer with "I'm really good," instead of "I'm alright" or "I'm okay" and it would be the honest to goodness truth.

2014 ended on a high note, something that I didn't quite expect. Going into the year, I was coming from a dark place and I didn't think things would improve- how I've been proven wrong. Yes, a lot of shitty things happened this year. More things that I would have cared for; but I came through the other side stronger for every single one. I have genuine high hopes for 2015 that it will be a year of great strength and growth, a year to be reflected on next January that makes me say "Wow. Now look at that, look at what I did. Look what God did. See how things can change if you just hang in there."

So what's on the docket for 2015 you ask? Well here goes, the classic and cheesy New Year's resolutions list:
1- More self-positivity; less self-degradation: I have a terrible habit of putting myself down, whether I'm the butt of a joke or I'm actually hating on myself. I've made a promise to stop the negative comments; they don't help anyone.
2- Healthy lifestyle: A classic, and for a reason. I have someone I want to look good for, but I want to look good for myself too. I want to look in the mirror and love me for me, and know that I'm taking care of my body. Positive thoughts and healthy living will get me there.
3- Silver linings abound: This year may not be starting off exactly how I would have wished and it certainly will come with it's struggles, but the path I'm on is laid out ahead of me. To make the most of this year, I have to work hard. It may be hard and strange, but I have to make every moment and opportunity count for something; a promise I made and promise I'll keep.
4- Work hard to play hard: I have a lot of things that interest me and I have a lot of things I'd love to do and places I'd love to visit. This is going to be the year that I hone my determination. No longer will I sit and wish, I will move and do. I will achieve. I certainly don't expect it all to happen in the next 12 months, but I will definitely be laying the ground work.
5- Love fiercely: I have learned the hard way that the ones you love disappoint you, and that love between people is fragile. But I have also learned that not enough of it exists to begin with. I want to show love, give love, and be love. I want to be that character of Christ. I want to forgive, be generous, and reach out to those I've been far from. I won't let anymore time slip away from me.

Each one of these is going to take my entire concentration and heart; my determination and my soul. But I want to pour into myself and others this year. I want to make an impact and I want to build the proper foundations for a bountiful life. I've seen the dark, and I know how sickly sweet it is. I want to seek light and life, and to cast that Black Dog aside.

This year is a new leaf, a new life, a new era for me. This will be the year that I took my life by the reigns and experienced it fully. I'm 21 and I will not let 2015 become a waste; I will not let the next six months be a pity party; I will not let my faith sit on the back burners. This is the year that I step into who I am and mold who I'll become.

Little Talks

So here I am at 11:30 on a Sunday night, two weeks before the end of the semester trying to figure out if I can possibly pay off my U-Bill so I can schedule for classes in the Spring. That sounds about right, hmm?

It's my downfall. It's the thing that kills me every time. I procrastinate, I push it off. I forget and pretend the thing isn't ever-lingering. I have this problem where I wait until the last possible moment to try to fix a problem and then I get frustrated when it doesn't turn out how I wanted.

I'm preparing to hear from my advisor that there's nothing to be done. That I have to sit out this extra semester. Three weeks ago that was fine with me. I was okay with taking the time off. Now, though, I feel anxious. Noah has asked me to talk to Pat and to visit the financial aid office, and now that that little idea is in my head, that maybe I wouldn't have to wait out a whole semester because of my financial aid being adjusted, I can't stop thinking about being back on campus. I'm so ready to go back and I didn't really realize it until this idea was planted. The time off has been great- it's been exactly what I needed. I have needed this time to get my head straight. To take care of myself, to work a little, and to just enjoy some free time. But it's time that I go back. I don't want to sit here waiting anymore. I don't want to feel like I don't have a purpose, like I'm just screwing around while everyone else is working towards something.

I'm worried that Noah has seen this in me. I'm worried that he has all of these plans to go abroad and to live and to explore- not because I could lose him. No. I want him to do those things. Honestly and truly, I want him to have those amazing experiences. I read a quote a few days ago that kind of hit me. It talked about dreams, and how there are people who will talk about their dreams and make 'inspiration boards', and then there are people who work for their dreams day in and day out. Can you guess which people reach their goals? What scares me is that I am the former and Noah is the latter. I talk and I dream, but I don't achieve. He has achieved so much already and I know he's going to do and see great things. I love him, but I'm so scared that I won't be able to keep up. I'm even more afraid that he's going to realize the person I am and leave me behind.

Anyway, I don't know what news the next few days will bring but I guess I'm preparing for disappointment because of my actions rather than a strike of luck. Whatever happens, happens. If I have to sit out a whole extra semester, there has to be a reason, or I'll find it. I can't sit and mope. One thing is for sure, 6 months without Noah would be easier to deal with if I had school to keep me busy. But that's not the driving force here- the point is to set my goals and work towards them. Not talk about them, not make pretty pictures to "inspire" me. To make real attainable goals that can be accomplished and to get one step closer to realizing those dreams little by little.

I started this post feeling sucky, and to be honest, I don't feel all that better. But I do feel a little more encouraged than before and I want to make a list, a list of dreams and goals. That post will follow soon.

Small Windows

I wonder, what do the neighbors see when they look in our small windows? Do they see the pain, and the hurt? The loss? Do they notice that your car hasn't been in the driveway for 4 months? Do they realize what happened here? Can they guess?

Were they around when you came and moved your stuff out? Have they noticed that the house stays quiet for the most part because only one person lives here now?

When I look out of our windows and look into their lives, I don't notice much difference. I don't even know their names. Maybe it's because I'm not here anymore, I'm not sure. But it does make me wonder if I'm the least attentive in this place. If the neighbors see us and feel sorry for us, or if they just look the other way.

Today

All I want today is to let that black dog in. I don't know why, but all I want is to let the darkness wash over me, to let it take over. It's almost as if I've been missing it. I think I'll stay at the apartment tonight, I'm not ready to go home. I just can't do it.

Scheduling

See, this is what stresses me out. I've spent the last hour and half looking at what classes I still need to take to finish a degree in social work. I've made a nice little organized list and I've put the groups all together. Neat. Then I start to actually plan how the following semesters would look, and I quickly lose my nerve.

I've really been thinking about what Noah told me the other day, about just finishing. Just getting a degree in something so that I'm not limited. I had heard that how many times before I took my semester off? It might be odd that it's just now resonating with me, but maybe I just needed to be in a different mindset. Regardless of the reason, it's been on my mind. So tonight, I got the urge to pull up my degree audit and see where I stand. You know, it's only intimidating when I write it down in front of me. When the red and blue categories look back at me from the computer screen, I find myself to be much more content.

Organizing and categorizing was fun, and I was on a roll. I got excited looking at class descriptions and imagining being back in class again. How terrible is it that I almost wish I had homework to do right now? As soon as I started putting classes into semesters and trying to make them fit, I became frustrated and overwhelmed. I became anxious at the idea of being here for another two years- which is about equal to the two summer sessions and the real three full semesters I'll have to take at this point. I'm suddenly angry at myself for taking this time off.

What was I thinking? 

When did I decide it would be a good idea to set myself back even more? I'm not sure that I quite regret taking the time off at this point, but maybe I'm not as happy with it anymore. I feel like this decision is weighing so heavily on my shoulders: do I go back or not? A month ago I felt as though I was finally out from under all of this, and now here it is again. Only this time, it's bigger. It seems like life and death. It's not just me anymore, floating through the void and waiting for opportunities to show up on my doorstep. I have to start planning and thinking of the future in serious ways.

So okay, why don't I want to be here? What is it about two more years that terrifies me and stresses me out?

At the top of the list would be the financial burden that two more years would bring, but if I'm being honest, I think that even above that is the question of what will happen to Noah and I? He's set to graduate at the end of the next school year, so what happens when I still have a summer and a semester to go- at least? What happens when he gets a job offer several states away and I have to finish school here? That's something that worries me very much, because even though we've had the conversations and we're on the same page, nothing is set in stone. Things change and stuff happens.

I'm sitting here nervous and frustrated and worried, and all I want, all I've ever wanted from this situation is to be more content and more at ease.

A Change is Gonna Come

Noah said something to me today that maybe I didn't really want to hear at the time, but the more that I think on it, the more I realize he has a point. 

I took the remainder of Fall semester off from school. I withdrew from the university and it's been a huge help. I'm not sure if I could have pulled through everything with the grades that I would have needed or feeling good about myself and the work that I have done. So today, Noah asked me what my goals were for a month from now, and I didn't have an answer. For so long, two and a half years, every semester has been about figuring out what I want or need to do with my life, and finally I have a moment to just live right now. I don't have to plan ahead, I can just work five days a week and take whatever is thrown at me in stride. But then, not having an answer worried me a little too- and made me feel slightly foolish. If I don't have goals, what is the purpose here? Why did I take a half semester and possibly a whole one to follow if I don't have goals to pursue?

Then he said the thing. And in the moment, I heard him and I was a little disappointed. He said to me "I want for you to go to school and get a degree, so that if something happens and we have to move, you have options other than just at HyVee." And for half a second, I thought "Hey. That's not fair. No one gets to tell me how to be prepared or be happy." But then the idea of not being happy and not being prepared got to me, and I started to wonder- what if I never figure it out? That's when he said the second thing. He told me that what makes you happy is what comes later. Right now, the goal is to get a job. Just push through, get it done. What you do from 9-5 is not what has to make your life whole. He mentioned that I want to be a mom, and that is what will fulfill me, but before that, I have to be ready to roll with the punches.

So at that time I was just nodding along and thinking "yeah yeah, says everyone else," but now that that has been stirring in my head all day, I wonder. And he might have a point. I am mildly interested in CAFS, and I have nearly the entire major completed. Why would I start over now? Why would I spend the money and time when I could just push through and finish this time in my life? 

College isn't for everyone, but one thing that I disagreed with Noah on was this- he said that no one likes going to class or doing the homework, but it's something that just has to be done. But I do. And I did! I liked to learn the material, and sure homework and tests weren't fun, but I enjoyed learning. I'm starting to think that this break will be what I need to recharge and power through my remaining year. I have only ever wanted to enjoy school, and I think I can do that. 

The pieces fell into place before, and they will again. I will end up exactly where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be there. I certainly have to believe that, after everything.

Noah

"You got a sandwich....from Jeff's Pizza?" 

Six weeks ago, I was riding a bus home that I normally wouldn't be riding, and on that bus, I met a guy that I otherwise wouldn't have sat next to. I was on campus eating dinner with a girl from my sorority and he was coming back from the career fair. The small details are what make this story- to me anyway. Five minutes earlier and I would have caught the right bus, and I would have passed by this guy and probably never have known him. On a campus of 32,000 people it still amazes me that I can recognize faces of people that I don't know the names of, and probably never will, but I can sit next to one person on a random bus and be completely changed. In the five minutes that we had on that bus ride, Noah and I joked about pizza and chatted about our majors. Before he got off at his stop, he reached into his bag and pulled out a business card that he had been using at the career fair. "You should give me a call sometime," he said with a sweet smile and then he disappeared. I have since learned that he was pretty nervous making that move and he didn't expect to hear from me at all. I'm so glad I proved him wrong.

Noah is a senior in Electrical Engineering with a year left to go. He is from Roseville, Minnesota which is very close to the Twin Cities. He has a younger brother, Jonah, and he used to swim competitively. Recently he got a really amazing co-op with a company in St. Joseph, Missouri which is where he'll be spending six months starting in January. Noah likes to cook and experiment with things, trying to figure out how they work. He is also the optimal height for hugs and hand holding and he is the perfect mix of muscle and teddy bear- though he doesn't quite appreciate that description.

On our first date, we made mozzarella cheese together. Yep, that's right. Pretty adorable right? On our second date, we went star gazing for 2 hours. Recently, I volunteered with him and a club that he's president of. Next week, he's going to prom with me- that'll be another post I'm sure.

It's amazing to me how much can happen and change in a month and half.

Noah is a gift, a blessing. There's not a doubt in my mind. When I'm with him, I feel content. I don't feel guilty or apprehensive. He listens to me and he is genuine with his words. He is willing to wait for me, and that's amazing. For 12 months I've been on a hard, dark, lonely path and in the last six weeks I have made some major life decisions that have shown me a light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in so long. I have withdrawn from Iowa State for the remainder of the semester and I might take all of Spring semester off. I am working almost full time at HyVee and I am working on sorting out career options for myself. I want to be happy with my life, and if that means not going back to school, I need to know what it does mean. I had to go early alum with Phi Beta Chi, and while I love my sisters to no end, it's been so nice to have a little breathing room. I started a Bible study with Abby and for the first time in so long I can almost see how all of this will work towards making me a better woman. I started dating Noah, and I'm so happy with him. Really, actually happy.

All of these choices, they have been weights lifted from my shoulders. It's almost surreal; I have felt real happiness in these last few weeks and it's been so long since I've felt this way that I almost don't even know what to do with myself. Here's what I do know though:
I do know that the choices I am making are good ones.
I do know that I like Noah and that he likes me.
I do know that the way he talks makes me think he wants this to last, and I do too.

I do know that I'm joyful, and that is something worth holding on to.