I know that there is more to existing than being worried about my weight for the rest of my life, but there also has to be a better middle ground from where I am now. I'm not even trying right now. It is so hard to reckon with the fact that I know I want a better life for myself so badly, but apparently not badly enough to the point that I am willing to stick with it. I am so worried that it is going to take some health scare at a too-early age to finally be the thing that makes me change. I want to change because I want to, not because something scary finally happens and I have no other choice. But then, what has the last five years been, if not an opportunity to do better by myself before something terrible happens?
I know I am being too hard on myself, that part of the reason I start and fail and start and fail is because I am mean to myself. If I could find the love and acceptance and joy in the small wins, I know that would stack quicker over time to build more confidence, but again, those habits are comfortable. It is easier to try for a week and fall off the wagon and berate myself for my choices, than to tell myself "It's okay, keep trying now, you've already come so far." Why is that? Why is it so easy to be terrible to myself, to call myself failure and loser, to say things I would never ever say to a friend or stranger in the same position?
I don't think of myself as someone with "disordered eating" but perhaps I am. Food is my greatest comfort and that cannot be considered a healthy way to exist and cope. Had a bad day at work- get some take-out. Had a sad moment- eat something sweet. Had an excellent day- well, better celebrate then with something tasty! And when we are sitting on the couch indulging, I never feel bad about it then. It's when I am going to bed and the heartburn is so bad I can't sleep. Or when I wake up the next day feeling bloated and icky (which turns into a bad day, which turns into take-out).
Maybe part of the problem is that I am still subconsciously stuck between wanting to be skinny because that is what society tells me I should want, and really truly wanting to be healthier. Because the fact of the matter is that when I picture myself "healthy" I do still picture myself skinny and strong. Maybe instead of striving for this image in my head of a 120 pound woman, I should be focusing more on how I can make my current self as strong and durable as possible. I would imagine that making better food choices and exercising more would result in natural weight loss over time, but it doesn't need to be my ultimate goal to drop 85 pounds. Would it be nice for my knees and back to not constantly ache? Of course. Would it be nice to be able to do any number of pushups for the first time in my life, or to run a single mile without feeling like I was going to pass out? Definitely. Maybe I can accomplish those things in a body that still mostly looks the way my current one does. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Skinny and strong, or fat and weak.
I does feel like I am right on the edge of understanding something, but it also feels silly that I haven't been able to grasp this before, and in turn, the goose in my brain is being especially mean. How does one keep going and keep working when you can't see or feel the results? I lost nearly 30 pounds 3 years ago, and I remember having more energy, feeling better in clothes, that my body didn't hurt as much, that it was easier and easier to make better choices about exercise and food. How do I get back to that? Because right now, it feels insurmountable. One day, one week, even one month feels like eternity to stick to a plan to lose just a few pounds. Would a month of success be enough to keep me pushing on?
I am grappling with the fact that this will take years if I do things the right way- which I want to do. I have never been good at starving myself, and I genuinely want to accomplish my goals without killing myself in the process. It's not that it will take time, it's that it will take so much time. Starting from today, at 215, if I lose just one pound per week, to get to a "reasonable" goal weight of 140, it would take me 75 weeks. September of 2027 feels a damn long way away when I think about having to diet that long, to stay in a deficit. Because in reality, there will be weeks that I only lose a quarter or a half, there will be birthdays and holidays and I will lose none. So we are really looking at the end of 2027, maybe even into 2028. Will there come a point where that end goal doesn't feel so painful to reach? Will there be some turning point around the 160-170 pound mark where it's easier to stay on a diet and getting rid of those last 30 pounds doesn't feel grueling and daunting? Maybe even I would get to that point and say "This is enough, this has been plenty and I feel so much better." All I know is that I am not happy and I am fearful that I don't have it in me to cross the finish line- wherever that might actually be.
I hear the voice saying, "Ok, so then make a smaller goal. Don't think of 140, think of 200, think of 190," and I know that seems so obvious, but I don't feel like that has had any different impact before. Have I ever accomplished one of those smaller goals? Maybe not, so maybe I don't even know if a small chunk would be easier than a big one. It occurs to me that I am in the same boat as my husband has been regarding higher education- I told him a few years ago when he was starting classes again and feeling anxious that he just needed a few small wins to grow his confidence. A few successful tests, then a few passed classes, then a few full semesters in the rearview to understand that he had the ability all along, but the series of negative outcomes had just built a wall he could not see beyond.
So maybe I just need a few small wins- could it really be that simple? I few weeks in a row, then a few months, then the stairs are not so daunting, then clothes start fitting better, then I can lift more, then I can run longer, then people in my life start to notice, then I can recognize it in myself. Maybe today I make a list of all the things that I would like to accomplish that would make me feel as though I have succeeded at getting "healthier." Maybe I make two lists, one that includes numbers on the scale and one that does not, and I can see which one feels more like the list I would like to use as my benchmark for small wins. Maybe this list can change over time as I complete these tasks, maybe the size of my body will be less important and I can focus more on the feeling of my body.
